wickedglitter: (domokun)
2009-06-04 04:50 pm

chemo

went to chemo today and took the anxiety medication the doctor gave me yesterday. It helped with the anxious stuff which was what was making things a lot harder to deal with. I feel decent after today's chemo, just a lil sick but not as bad as 2 weeks ago. Granted also I didn't have the drug that makes me feel like utter shit + gives me those bad reactions to cold.

I am off chemo for 2 weeks. This treatment completed cycle 2. When I go back I'll have 6 more weeks of chemo and then I'll be done, yay!

I didn't stock up on any chocolates. Damnit. I just have cookies. I'll have to get me some chocolate tomorrow.
o wait...I have drumstick icecream in the freezer. yay.

Patrick was showing me some silly trailers of what is to be final fantasy 13. They have a black guy with a fro and a lil baby chocobo lives in the dude's hair. haha. I told Patrick when he takes his hair down before he gets it braided again I am so gonna buy a plush chocobo and put it in his hair and take a picture LOL

that is all.
wickedglitter: (Default)
2009-05-30 08:34 pm

for susie

hey look at this its hilarious
wickedglitter: (Default)
2009-05-27 11:08 pm

anxiety attacks

I didn't feel the need to write about it till now but tonight it got really bad...since my treatment last thursday I have been dreading my next treatment which is supposed to be tomorrow. The last two or three days have been really bad, I have started crying at random and felt overwhelming panicked and just awful. Nausea and fear start to grip me and I feel like I'm losing control. Tonight as I was gathering together the songs my friends have picked for me for my chemo playlist I just burst into tears at my computer and Patrick had to console me. I've reached a point where I really need help. My condition after chemo keeps getting worse after every treatment. The way the chemicals are fuckin with my nerve system frightens me. I wonder the long term effects this is having on my body, and all this for a CHANCE to REDUCE the cancer reoccuring. This isn't even a sure thing....The doctor said it could even have a chance at making it difficult for me to get pregnant. I want to have a kid. What am I doing to myself? My Pet scan was clear, no cancer in my lymph nodes and yet I am enduring this hell. I could be trading a slim chance at reducing the cancer for SURELY fucking up my body somehow.

I feel like an epic fail. I am not going to chemo tomorrow. Patrick is going to call my doctor and talk to him. If I do continue the treatments I need something for anxiety and I may need to change my nausea meds. This is so hard. I feel so fail cuz like I said so many others are going through harder shit and have terminal cancer. But at the same time I'm wondering what kinda harm I'm putting myself through with these treatments. I try to make myself ok mentally but my subconscious is freaking the fuck out, my gut feeling is sick and freaking out. So that should tell me something right? I should listen to that inner voice? I have never been one to always take the easy way out but my inner voice is terrified.

Some patients at the center said they couldnt deal with weekly chemo physically so they got switched to every other week. My doctor told me that there are other nausea meds. I will just have to talk with him and see. I've already done 2 of the 3 rounds of chemo...but I just don't know if I can physically and mentally handle 5 more treatments of chemo knowing each week I'm gonna get sicker than the previous week. You know how awful I felt last thursday sitting there for 5 hours with my mom watching an iv drip shit into me that I KNEW was gonna make me feel like complete shit later. It's like some kind of twisted torture.

Anyways...I'm not going to chemo tomorrow. I'm so freaked out. I need to have Patrick talk with my doctor and decide what we're gonna do from here.

I still thank you all for your love and support, it has carried me through these past few months <3
wickedglitter: (Default)
2009-05-26 01:03 am

My center.

I wrote about it briefly in Facebook status, but I thought I would post here since I'm rambling this evening. Lately ( especially after my last chemo treatment ) when I get nautious or a really bad thought in my head in reguards to chemo I clear my head and focus on a thought to make the nausea and bad thoughts pass. When my mom was here we went to karaoke at a bar and grill place called Fox and the Hound. I had a piece of chocolate cake there drizzled with hot fudge, it was so good! That piece of cake has become my "center" when I feel sick to my stomach or overcome with anxiety. There are other things that bring me inner peace like the thought of the smell of rain on a soft breeze, or the crisp smell of air when you know winter has arrived, but because of my love for chocolate, I can smell/imagine the taste of the cake and chocolate brings you the blissful comfort.
I wish I had some more profound kind of center like some tall japanese mountain and cherry blossoms or some shit ( well maybe I would if I had ever been to Japan but I haven't been ) But my yummy chocolate cake with hot fudge is helping me cope. Viva la Chocolate!

I am gonna take my mp3 player with me to chemo this week. I was so broken down last week I am gonna need extra encouragement prayers and good vibes from everyone. If you wanna dedicate me a song, leave the artist and song title in a comment and I'll add it to my playlist. Then you'll be with me in spirit!

Love you guys, Thank you for all your love and support throughout my tough times.
wickedglitter: (Default)
2009-05-25 02:23 pm
wickedglitter: (Default)
2009-05-22 09:53 pm

bleh

I had a good time while my mom was in town, it was just exhausting being up early everyday trying to make the most out of the days and taking her lots of places. I went to chemo Thursday and ugh...It kicked my ass so bad. It makes me sick just talking about it. It felt like I took 3 chemos in one, I wanted to die yesterday. First time that the chemo made me throw up. I said I felt like crap x 1000 yesterday, but today I feel somewhat like a human being again.

I am craving hamburger helper something fierce, the itallian shells and cheese kind. I will have to go buy some tomorrow since its 10 pm here and I don't like to leave the house late.

I'm getting hot flashes again bleh, I am gonna lay down. I have been sleeping like shit yesterday and the doctor could tell I have alot of anxiety. He prescibed me some ambien. I took one last night boy does that shit make you woozy as hell. And i'm only on the 5mg he said if 5mg doesn't work I could take 2...I dunno about that lol.

Good lord, if I make it through 5 more chemo treatments I'll be suprised. Every fiber of my being wants to stop but everyone keeps telling me fight through it, that its for the best. I know some people have had worse chemo experiences than I have, and I feel like I'm whining a bit. But each experience is different and for me, this chemo has been very rough and I can feel it just about to break me, I seriously was so sick yesterday I felt like I wanted to die. I cried on Patrick's shoulder for awhile cuz I just felt so broken down.

Thats all for now folks..I am gonna try to keep at it.
wickedglitter: (Default)
2009-05-17 10:17 pm

well...

Didn't see Wolverine like I wanted. Rain started to come in after we got done eating at the buffet so we came home. Today we went to the movies and saw Angels & Demons. That was a really good movie. We ate at TGIFridays and the food was ok. Tomorrow my mom opted to go to the mall instead of casino, which makes me a little sad inside but I wasn't looking forward to a 3 hr busride anyways.

That's all for now folks.
wickedglitter: (Default)
2009-05-16 10:05 am

before I forget...

I was out with Patrick's mom the other day running errands and we got stuck in traffic so we were out longer than I told Patrick we were gonna be. After an hour had passed he called my cell:

Me: "Hello?"
Patrick: "Someone has kidnapped my Panda."
Me: "Oh that's not good...did you call the police?"
Him: "Yes."
Me: "And...what did they tell you?"
Him: "They filed a report but they can't do anything about lost Pandas. They said I have to call ASPCA"

haha...I was cracking up. When I got home I told him. "They found your panda. She was at the store raiding the kitkat aisle..they had to sedate her" He sniffled and was like "My poor Panda." I looked in the fridge and he had bought me a chocolate milk. I said "I see you got a chocolate milk for the Panda." He was like "Yes. I knew my Panda would find her way home to the chocolate." haha

I love him.

My mom comes into town soon I need to go get ready. We're gonna go eat at Ryan's buffet when she comes in and then go see Wolverine. Rawr!
wickedglitter: (Default)
2009-05-15 03:57 am

I'm supposed to be sleeping...

But I laid down and was wide awake. I also have that Roni song by Bobby Brown stuck in my damn head. haha

"If you believe in love and all that it can do for yooooou
Give it a chance girl, you'll find romance...
And if you find a tender roni that is right for yooooou
Make it official...GIVE HER YOUR LOOOOOVE"

"She's a special kind of roni she's a sweet ol girl, about the sweetest lil girl in the whole wide world..."

I watched the live video of bobby brown doing that song around 1990...and then I looked at a 2009 video...good lord...that man had alot of money he could have taken better care of himself, but he spent it all on drugs..

We'll just have to remember Bobby in 1990 bc ( before crack ) as one video viewer put it LOL

Tomorrow I am going to the movies to see wolverine. Saturday my mom is coming to visit and she'll be here about a week.

I took 2 melatonin to help me sleep I am gonna head back to bed now that I've cleared my head and infected all of you with classic Bobby. haha This is all my friend Euthie's fault for putting Bobby in her journal. Damnit.
wickedglitter: (Default)
2009-05-12 06:53 am

High Octane Vanilla is srs biznezz

I drank a cup of cappacino around 7 pm last night and I am still awake, I tried to lay down and sleep but I just couldn't so I got back up. It is almost 7 am. I had hazelnut cappacino the day before. I saw they had "High Octane French Vanilla" and thought huh, must have an extra jolt in it, lemme try it. Well...it works lol.

I need to lay in bed till I go to sleep, I know I'm tired but my body just hasn't caught up yet.
wickedglitter: (Default)
2009-05-11 01:19 pm

coffee cup rant

April posted about her coffee cup this morning and I started a rant in her journal that probably should warrent its own entry in mine.

Last night I bought a coffee cup from the gas station when I went to go get some hazelnut cappacino. It said "mug 3.99 and first fill is free" and I was like...ok that's cool...But said mug does not fit just right under the machine so you have to tip it...and burn your hand! And then I think to myself, why did I want to purchase this pos mug, but it's too late, cuz I REMOVED THE PLASTIC WRAP, so I was locked in the iron jaw of ownership of said cup. Next time I go in, i will probably fill a styrofoam cup with the coffee and pour it into my new cup. And then throw the styrofoam cup away cuz my cup is superior even though I can't fuckin put it under the damn machine. The way I see it, since I am gonna pay 1.29 for my 20 oz cappacino the cost of the styrofoam cup is included in the price right? ANNNND I paid them 3.99 for the shitty mug. I just think its funny I have to pour the coffee in from another damn cup into my nifty container... MAKE THE MACHINES BIGGER AND MORE PEOPLE WILL BUY THE PLASTIC CUP. My mom used to have several different plastic coffee mugs from different convinience store chains in our cabinets when I was little. I was like "why does she have 7 different coffee mugs?" Perhaps when she was young like me, she saw the shiny mug in the plastic like I did and thought "hey that's nifty" ( like I did but my mom probably didn't say nifty, cuz I don't think she uses nifty ) And she bought the mug thinking she could just easily pour the coffee in from the machine. BUT SHE WAS WRONG. Well maybe she wasn't, she likes regular coffee and they usually have a pot so you can pour the coffee. But *I* have to deal with the tasty and poorly designed cappacino machine. Curse you cappacino machine and your deceiving shiny plastic marketing mugs. This rant is brought to you in part by * looks at the name on the mug * Roasted Bean Coffee Company!
wickedglitter: (kitty)
2009-05-10 09:06 am

a DK named kittyloaf

I made a death knight in WoW in March named Kittyloaf, I finally got her to 80 last night haha. Now there is just something funny about a badass warrior named Kittyloaf. I was running around the blasted lands and this guy sends me "LOL" and I was like ? and he was like "I saw your name and pictured a kitten sitting inside a wonder bread bag" haha. I wish I could post my avatar on my character profile on the armory or something so people could understand what the kittyloaf is. Yes, it is based off the picture you'll see beside this post.

I skipped chemo last thursday, boy do I feel great right now. I only skipped cuz I'm uninsured right now, The cobra will kick in this week cuz I mailed off my payment last monday.

Patrick went to go get me a pancake platter and a bacon egg and cheese breakfast burrito. Can't wait till he comes back I am so hungryyyyy.

I got Patrick's mom the cutest Yoyo and Hoops mother's day card. It has them talking and yelling "MOOOOOOOM" when you open it hehehe. If you're not familiar with yoyo and hoops, you should look up some of their E cards on hallmark.com

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms!

Today is going to be a very rough day for Patrick's mother. Yesterday we took flowers and balloons to grandmas grave =( I miss that lady. It's been 2 months she's been gone, but it really hasn't set in for the family until this holiday I think.

I'm starving I am going to close here and wait for Patrick to come back. And then I will give Patrick's mom breakfast and her card. We took her to see the Star Trek movie on Friday as part of her mother's day gift. Star Trek was awesome. Me and Patrick are going to get her a docking station for her computer. I nagged him all week and he wouldn't go and he wants to go get it today...well ok I told him traffic is going to be outrageous today but he insisted he didn't want to go yesterday. He's gonna be a grumpy pants about it I'm sure. Why do men not wanna do stuff when we ask them to? Why do they insist on rebelling and then get mad when we nag them about it? I told Patrick I think he likes to annoy me by putting things off on purpose just to get a rise out of me. I've started to ignore this more but it's so hard cuz I like to do stuff ahead of time and not at the very last minute. grrrr

Ok that's all
wickedglitter: (Default)
2009-05-02 06:06 pm

Convergys HR, I fuckin' hate you.

So last week I called HR before we were cut loose from our site, so I could check out a few things. I called them and asked if my benefits money I owed them ( which was just for april I paid them feb and march ) would be taken out of severance pay since it was a lil diff than a normal paycheck. The lady placed me on hold a few mins came back and said "No, send in your money order, it will not be taken out of severance." I sent in the money order because I didn't want them to start shit with me or fuck up my benefits. Today I got my severance check and they deducted 151.81 from my fuckin check. YOU MOTHERFUCKIN FUCKIN FUCKERS. WHAT GOOD IS HR DEPARTMENT THAT DOESN'T KNOW SHIT. WHY WOULD YOU PUT ME ON HOLD TO GET ME THE WRONG FUCKIN INFORMATION YOU FUCKIN COCKSUCKIN MOTHERFUCKIN FUCKERS.

Excuse my language, I have just been through soooo much over the past few months over the phone and having to sort through tons of paperwork and CRAP. So monday, I have to call this stupid ass organization, ask them if they cashed my damn money order and tell them give me my fuckin' money back since they took it already. assholes. Patrick's mom suggested i put a stop payment on the money order, but I think it may have already been cashed by now, and I don't know which would be a worse nightmare, going after the HR to give me my money back or canceling the money order and dealing with some weird ass 3rd party vendor chasing around 150$ for who knows how long. SIIIIIIIIGH

Oh I got my cobra paperwork today, it is confusing as hell, After sitting there reading it over and over again for 10 minutes I decided I'm just too pissed off right now to make sense of it and will try again tomorrow or Monday.
wickedglitter: (Default)
2009-04-25 08:58 pm

allergies of doom

I have allergies of doom. I took a mucinex or whatever the fuck its called and am regretting it cuz I can feel all the junk in my chest draining to my stomach. I wanna barf.

Not having to wake up Patrick for work is great. We both snoozed happily this morning. I felt a light tapping on my foot and realized he was snuggling his foot under mine, I tapped his foot back. We lazily played footsies for 5 mins half awake half asleep before we both dozed off again hehe. It was nice.

When I get my job severance money in a week or two I reeeeeally wanna buy a decent digital camera, maybe 8 megapix one. I used to take a lot more pictures and crap when I had that shitty ass camera in El Paso. I wanna take pics of so many things.

Fuck I just saw on yahoo news Bea Arthur passed away. She was my favorite Golden Girl. =( May she RIP

thats it for now I guess.
wickedglitter: (Default)
2009-04-24 09:01 am

zomg makeup

Long time ago April had a post about compulsive makeup buying. Sometimes you see something so pretty and even though you know you may not wear it, YOU WANT

http://shanalogic.com/category.php?category_id=135&page=3

( scroll down on the page towards the bottom rows to see the eyeshadows I am talking about )

this shop has some gorgeous glitter eyeshadow. 12$ each but I want the black, and the red...and the purple...and blue....do I want to spend 50$ no. BUT I WANT THEM, I think I will have to give in and pick one. I DON'T KNOWWWWWWWW
AHHHHHH

Ok i am off to my exit interview at the job
wickedglitter: (Default)
2009-04-23 11:41 pm

ugh

I felt like death today. I had allergies of doom and no medication seemed to be helping. It was in the air bad today everywhere I went people were sneezing, sniffling and like "damn allergies" I heard it all the time. I had my chemo so on top of sinus blahness and sniffles, I had my hot flashes and nausea. I'm feeling a bit better now but I was feeling sooooo soooooooooooo bad this afternoon.

Tomorrow I have to go to my job and sign severance paperwork. Le sigh. I wish the place wasn't closing but what can you do eh?

My mommy is gonna come visit May 16th through the 22nd. Maybe I'll take her on the casino bus trip, will be fun. The coushatta casino had an amazing buffet for 12$. They had candies even baked from scratch in the dessert bar.

I need to go to sleep. Positive quote for all my friends: "No one can really pull you up very high - You lose grip on the rope. But on your own two feet you can climb mountains." - Louis Braneis
wickedglitter: (Default)
2009-04-18 03:49 pm

I AM OK C

C posted and asked how I was doing, guess I haven't said much lately. I am doing ok. Patrick is not gonna get to work for direct tv, they are closing the project. This sucks but its ok he is gonna get a pension since he worked for the company 6 years and severence pay, and he will also get to file for unemployment since he's getting laid off.

I have been playing world of warcraft a ton, been farming those fuckin' inscription books. I have bought like 3 of em and farmed 3. I haven't really made a good amount off the glyphs even though I am selling em cheaper than most people are selling new glyphs for, like i'm selling glyph of chaos bolt for 80g some people are selling new glyphs for like 145, fuck that.

chemo is still making me nautious and crap. The oxaliplatin cold effects are lasting a little longer and are stronger each time I get it. It took about 5 days after before i could start drinking cold stuff again, and even then, just slightly cold. If I try to have icecream or something it's too shockingly cold to eat.

My port isn't hurting anymore, thankfully. I didn't know how long my chest was gonna be sore. my scar in the middle of my chest is even worse now since they cut it again to put in the port the second time. FUCKIN SCARS GRRRRRRR

Easter was ok, but sad without Patrick's grandma. It was a favorite holiday for her, she sure loved to get dressed up for easter sunday. The weekend she had passed away she had bought a new outfit for easter, and that is what we buried her in.

Sams has this chocolate cake that is so good and addicting, its their triple chocolate cake. It's round like a bunt cake and is chocolate with chocolate frosting and chocolate shavings on top. It is amazzzzzzing. I tried to have a piece with a cold glass of milk but the milk was too cold for me =( so I just had to eat the cake and wait for the milk to become close to room temp, bleh.

Regena's guinea pig is becoming a little spoiled diva. We call her Diva Pig. She flips her food bowl upside down when it is empty, and when she doesn't get a treat when she wants one, she goes and starts gnawing the shit out of her log house haha. She has an attitude. One day she kept jumping around in her cage to get attention and she flipped her little log over and then sat in the upside down log looking all pissed off till we finally gave her a treat and put her log back upright lol

It's been storming here in Houston but not too bad, I love the sound of soft thunder. It's light enough rain I can leave the bedroom window open and let in some air.

Back to farming on WoW I guess. Dave ( Isahn ) from dgate plays on my server now, he's got his warlock to 71, he's been playing about a month, we kinda helped him power level and twinked him up.

C you can come play on Lightning's Blade at anytime, you can look up my characters on Armory.

I have Summerstorm my shaman ( 80 ) Kavita my shadow priest ( 80 ) and Kittyloaf my Deathknight ( 71)

That's all for nowwwwww
wickedglitter: (Default)
2009-03-27 04:39 pm

fuckin' port

Well since my port is acting up they are just gonna take it out and do another port placement. I have surgery monday at 11:15 am I have to be there at 10:15. damnit. Oh well.

He said my port placement went smoothly the first time, so he said it shouldn't be that big of a deal. Of course they made me sign the lung puncture form again, as if I wasn't already aware.

Here's to round 2 surgery, hopefully as smooth as the first time around.
wickedglitter: (Default)
2009-03-24 11:38 pm

bleh

Well my port didn't do what its supposed to, I have to call the surgeon tomorrow and schedule an appointment or something.

My mom didn't call me by the middle of the afternoon today and I found that odd. I went ahead and called her and she told me she was at the hospital with her friend getting some pills, and that also they were going to run some tests on her. I could tell she sounded a little stressed. I told her I would call her later to see what was going on.

I just got off the phone with her 30 mins ago, she was barely headed back from the hospital. Her blood pressure was around 196 when she went in there, which is very high and she could have even had a stroke. They did an ekg on her heart and did a cat scan of her head to make sure everything was ok. They gave her 2 blood pressure pills to bring her blood pressure down and tomorrow her friend Rose is going to take her to her doctor so she can get a prescription written out for blood pressure pills. My mom's doctor that used to be close by moved locations and my mom didn't even know until she went for an appointment and he was gone. My mom was angry he didn't give notice, I think maybe he did but he had her old phone number and now she just has a cell phone. I am so relieved my mommy is ok. That's some scary shit though, to know she has been going around with her blood pressure through the roof like that. She said her neck had been bothering her, her body was probably taxed and stressed from the high blood pressure. Damn parents not doing what they are supposed to. Just lost Patrick's grandmother, I do not need to be losing my own mommy right now, I'd freak the fuck out.

Gotta talk with Gary, but I think he's busy at work right now. I have to make sure he stays on her to take and have her medication, No half a pill bullshit or anything like that. ( She used to take half a pill to stretch her medications longer but there's no need for her to do that now that she has the money to buy them consistantly )

I probably won't feel better until the doctor has seen her tomorrow and she is given all the meds she needs.
wickedglitter: (Default)
2009-03-22 11:54 pm

lol

carmen sandiego
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