2 cents of my life

went to chemo today and took the anxiety medication the doctor gave me yesterday. It helped with the anxious stuff which was what was making things a lot harder to deal with. I feel decent after today's chemo, just a lil sick but not as bad as 2 weeks ago. Granted also I didn't have the drug that makes me feel like utter shit + gives me those bad reactions to cold.

I am off chemo for 2 weeks. This treatment completed cycle 2. When I go back I'll have 6 more weeks of chemo and then I'll be done, yay!

I didn't stock up on any chocolates. Damnit. I just have cookies. I'll have to get me some chocolate tomorrow.
o wait...I have drumstick icecream in the freezer. yay.

Patrick was showing me some silly trailers of what is to be final fantasy 13. They have a black guy with a fro and a lil baby chocobo lives in the dude's hair. haha. I told Patrick when he takes his hair down before he gets it braided again I am so gonna buy a plush chocobo and put it in his hair and take a picture LOL

that is all.

I didn't feel the need to write about it till now but tonight it got really bad...since my treatment last thursday I have been dreading my next treatment which is supposed to be tomorrow. The last two or three days have been really bad, I have started crying at random and felt overwhelming panicked and just awful. Nausea and fear start to grip me and I feel like I'm losing control. Tonight as I was gathering together the songs my friends have picked for me for my chemo playlist I just burst into tears at my computer and Patrick had to console me. I've reached a point where I really need help. My condition after chemo keeps getting worse after every treatment. The way the chemicals are fuckin with my nerve system frightens me. I wonder the long term effects this is having on my body, and all this for a CHANCE to REDUCE the cancer reoccuring. This isn't even a sure thing....The doctor said it could even have a chance at making it difficult for me to get pregnant. I want to have a kid. What am I doing to myself? My Pet scan was clear, no cancer in my lymph nodes and yet I am enduring this hell. I could be trading a slim chance at reducing the cancer for SURELY fucking up my body somehow.

I feel like an epic fail. I am not going to chemo tomorrow. Patrick is going to call my doctor and talk to him. If I do continue the treatments I need something for anxiety and I may need to change my nausea meds. This is so hard. I feel so fail cuz like I said so many others are going through harder shit and have terminal cancer. But at the same time I'm wondering what kinda harm I'm putting myself through with these treatments. I try to make myself ok mentally but my subconscious is freaking the fuck out, my gut feeling is sick and freaking out. So that should tell me something right? I should listen to that inner voice? I have never been one to always take the easy way out but my inner voice is terrified.

Some patients at the center said they couldnt deal with weekly chemo physically so they got switched to every other week. My doctor told me that there are other nausea meds. I will just have to talk with him and see. I've already done 2 of the 3 rounds of chemo...but I just don't know if I can physically and mentally handle 5 more treatments of chemo knowing each week I'm gonna get sicker than the previous week. You know how awful I felt last thursday sitting there for 5 hours with my mom watching an iv drip shit into me that I KNEW was gonna make me feel like complete shit later. It's like some kind of twisted torture.

Anyways...I'm not going to chemo tomorrow. I'm so freaked out. I need to have Patrick talk with my doctor and decide what we're gonna do from here.

I still thank you all for your love and support, it has carried me through these past few months <3

Didn't see Wolverine like I wanted. Rain started to come in after we got done eating at the buffet so we came home. Today we went to the movies and saw Angels & Demons. That was a really good movie. We ate at TGIFridays and the food was ok. Tomorrow my mom opted to go to the mall instead of casino, which makes me a little sad inside but I wasn't looking forward to a 3 hr busride anyways.

That's all for now folks.

But I laid down and was wide awake. I also have that Roni song by Bobby Brown stuck in my damn head. haha

"If you believe in love and all that it can do for yooooou
Give it a chance girl, you'll find romance...
And if you find a tender roni that is right for yooooou
Make it official...GIVE HER YOUR LOOOOOVE"

"She's a special kind of roni she's a sweet ol girl, about the sweetest lil girl in the whole wide world..."

I watched the live video of bobby brown doing that song around 1990...and then I looked at a 2009 video...good lord...that man had alot of money he could have taken better care of himself, but he spent it all on drugs..

We'll just have to remember Bobby in 1990 bc ( before crack ) as one video viewer put it LOL

Tomorrow I am going to the movies to see wolverine. Saturday my mom is coming to visit and she'll be here about a week.

I took 2 melatonin to help me sleep I am gonna head back to bed now that I've cleared my head and infected all of you with classic Bobby. haha This is all my friend Euthie's fault for putting Bobby in her journal. Damnit.

April posted about her coffee cup this morning and I started a rant in her journal that probably should warrent its own entry in mine.

Last night I bought a coffee cup from the gas station when I went to go get some hazelnut cappacino. It said "mug 3.99 and first fill is free" and I was like...ok that's cool...But said mug does not fit just right under the machine so you have to tip it...and burn your hand! And then I think to myself, why did I want to purchase this pos mug, but it's too late, cuz I REMOVED THE PLASTIC WRAP, so I was locked in the iron jaw of ownership of said cup. Next time I go in, i will probably fill a styrofoam cup with the coffee and pour it into my new cup. And then throw the styrofoam cup away cuz my cup is superior even though I can't fuckin put it under the damn machine. The way I see it, since I am gonna pay 1.29 for my 20 oz cappacino the cost of the styrofoam cup is included in the price right? ANNNND I paid them 3.99 for the shitty mug. I just think its funny I have to pour the coffee in from another damn cup into my nifty container... MAKE THE MACHINES BIGGER AND MORE PEOPLE WILL BUY THE PLASTIC CUP. My mom used to have several different plastic coffee mugs from different convinience store chains in our cabinets when I was little. I was like "why does she have 7 different coffee mugs?" Perhaps when she was young like me, she saw the shiny mug in the plastic like I did and thought "hey that's nifty" ( like I did but my mom probably didn't say nifty, cuz I don't think she uses nifty ) And she bought the mug thinking she could just easily pour the coffee in from the machine. BUT SHE WAS WRONG. Well maybe she wasn't, she likes regular coffee and they usually have a pot so you can pour the coffee. But *I* have to deal with the tasty and poorly designed cappacino machine. Curse you cappacino machine and your deceiving shiny plastic marketing mugs. This rant is brought to you in part by * looks at the name on the mug * Roasted Bean Coffee Company!

So last week I called HR before we were cut loose from our site, so I could check out a few things. I called them and asked if my benefits money I owed them ( which was just for april I paid them feb and march ) would be taken out of severance pay since it was a lil diff than a normal paycheck. The lady placed me on hold a few mins came back and said "No, send in your money order, it will not be taken out of severance." I sent in the money order because I didn't want them to start shit with me or fuck up my benefits. Today I got my severance check and they deducted 151.81 from my fuckin check. YOU MOTHERFUCKIN FUCKIN FUCKERS. WHAT GOOD IS HR DEPARTMENT THAT DOESN'T KNOW SHIT. WHY WOULD YOU PUT ME ON HOLD TO GET ME THE WRONG FUCKIN INFORMATION YOU FUCKIN COCKSUCKIN MOTHERFUCKIN FUCKERS.

Excuse my language, I have just been through soooo much over the past few months over the phone and having to sort through tons of paperwork and CRAP. So monday, I have to call this stupid ass organization, ask them if they cashed my damn money order and tell them give me my fuckin' money back since they took it already. assholes. Patrick's mom suggested i put a stop payment on the money order, but I think it may have already been cashed by now, and I don't know which would be a worse nightmare, going after the HR to give me my money back or canceling the money order and dealing with some weird ass 3rd party vendor chasing around 150$ for who knows how long. SIIIIIIIIGH

Oh I got my cobra paperwork today, it is confusing as hell, After sitting there reading it over and over again for 10 minutes I decided I'm just too pissed off right now to make sense of it and will try again tomorrow or Monday.

Long time ago April had a post about compulsive makeup buying. Sometimes you see something so pretty and even though you know you may not wear it, YOU WANT

http://shanalogic.com/category.php?category_id=135&page=3

( scroll down on the page towards the bottom rows to see the eyeshadows I am talking about )

this shop has some gorgeous glitter eyeshadow. 12$ each but I want the black, and the red...and the purple...and blue....do I want to spend 50$ no. BUT I WANT THEM, I think I will have to give in and pick one. I DON'T KNOWWWWWWWW
AHHHHHH

Ok i am off to my exit interview at the job

C posted and asked how I was doing, guess I haven't said much lately. I am doing ok. Patrick is not gonna get to work for direct tv, they are closing the project. This sucks but its ok he is gonna get a pension since he worked for the company 6 years and severence pay, and he will also get to file for unemployment since he's getting laid off.

I have been playing world of warcraft a ton, been farming those fuckin' inscription books. I have bought like 3 of em and farmed 3. I haven't really made a good amount off the glyphs even though I am selling em cheaper than most people are selling new glyphs for, like i'm selling glyph of chaos bolt for 80g some people are selling new glyphs for like 145, fuck that.

chemo is still making me nautious and crap. The oxaliplatin cold effects are lasting a little longer and are stronger each time I get it. It took about 5 days after before i could start drinking cold stuff again, and even then, just slightly cold. If I try to have icecream or something it's too shockingly cold to eat.

My port isn't hurting anymore, thankfully. I didn't know how long my chest was gonna be sore. my scar in the middle of my chest is even worse now since they cut it again to put in the port the second time. FUCKIN SCARS GRRRRRRR

Easter was ok, but sad without Patrick's grandma. It was a favorite holiday for her, she sure loved to get dressed up for easter sunday. The weekend she had passed away she had bought a new outfit for easter, and that is what we buried her in.

Sams has this chocolate cake that is so good and addicting, its their triple chocolate cake. It's round like a bunt cake and is chocolate with chocolate frosting and chocolate shavings on top. It is amazzzzzzing. I tried to have a piece with a cold glass of milk but the milk was too cold for me =( so I just had to eat the cake and wait for the milk to become close to room temp, bleh.

Regena's guinea pig is becoming a little spoiled diva. We call her Diva Pig. She flips her food bowl upside down when it is empty, and when she doesn't get a treat when she wants one, she goes and starts gnawing the shit out of her log house haha. She has an attitude. One day she kept jumping around in her cage to get attention and she flipped her little log over and then sat in the upside down log looking all pissed off till we finally gave her a treat and put her log back upright lol

It's been storming here in Houston but not too bad, I love the sound of soft thunder. It's light enough rain I can leave the bedroom window open and let in some air.

Back to farming on WoW I guess. Dave ( Isahn ) from dgate plays on my server now, he's got his warlock to 71, he's been playing about a month, we kinda helped him power level and twinked him up.

C you can come play on Lightning's Blade at anytime, you can look up my characters on Armory.

I have Summerstorm my shaman ( 80 ) Kavita my shadow priest ( 80 ) and Kittyloaf my Deathknight ( 71)

That's all for nowwwwww

Well my port didn't do what its supposed to, I have to call the surgeon tomorrow and schedule an appointment or something.

My mom didn't call me by the middle of the afternoon today and I found that odd. I went ahead and called her and she told me she was at the hospital with her friend getting some pills, and that also they were going to run some tests on her. I could tell she sounded a little stressed. I told her I would call her later to see what was going on.

I just got off the phone with her 30 mins ago, she was barely headed back from the hospital. Her blood pressure was around 196 when she went in there, which is very high and she could have even had a stroke. They did an ekg on her heart and did a cat scan of her head to make sure everything was ok. They gave her 2 blood pressure pills to bring her blood pressure down and tomorrow her friend Rose is going to take her to her doctor so she can get a prescription written out for blood pressure pills. My mom's doctor that used to be close by moved locations and my mom didn't even know until she went for an appointment and he was gone. My mom was angry he didn't give notice, I think maybe he did but he had her old phone number and now she just has a cell phone. I am so relieved my mommy is ok. That's some scary shit though, to know she has been going around with her blood pressure through the roof like that. She said her neck had been bothering her, her body was probably taxed and stressed from the high blood pressure. Damn parents not doing what they are supposed to. Just lost Patrick's grandmother, I do not need to be losing my own mommy right now, I'd freak the fuck out.

Gotta talk with Gary, but I think he's busy at work right now. I have to make sure he stays on her to take and have her medication, No half a pill bullshit or anything like that. ( She used to take half a pill to stretch her medications longer but there's no need for her to do that now that she has the money to buy them consistantly )

I probably won't feel better until the doctor has seen her tomorrow and she is given all the meds she needs.