anxiety attacks

I didn't feel the need to write about it till now but tonight it got really bad...since my treatment last thursday I have been dreading my next treatment which is supposed to be tomorrow. The last two or three days have been really bad, I have started crying at random and felt overwhelming panicked and just awful. Nausea and fear start to grip me and I feel like I'm losing control. Tonight as I was gathering together the songs my friends have picked for me for my chemo playlist I just burst into tears at my computer and Patrick had to console me. I've reached a point where I really need help. My condition after chemo keeps getting worse after every treatment. The way the chemicals are fuckin with my nerve system frightens me. I wonder the long term effects this is having on my body, and all this for a CHANCE to REDUCE the cancer reoccuring. This isn't even a sure thing....The doctor said it could even have a chance at making it difficult for me to get pregnant. I want to have a kid. What am I doing to myself? My Pet scan was clear, no cancer in my lymph nodes and yet I am enduring this hell. I could be trading a slim chance at reducing the cancer for SURELY fucking up my body somehow.

I feel like an epic fail. I am not going to chemo tomorrow. Patrick is going to call my doctor and talk to him. If I do continue the treatments I need something for anxiety and I may need to change my nausea meds. This is so hard. I feel so fail cuz like I said so many others are going through harder shit and have terminal cancer. But at the same time I'm wondering what kinda harm I'm putting myself through with these treatments. I try to make myself ok mentally but my subconscious is freaking the fuck out, my gut feeling is sick and freaking out. So that should tell me something right? I should listen to that inner voice? I have never been one to always take the easy way out but my inner voice is terrified.

Some patients at the center said they couldnt deal with weekly chemo physically so they got switched to every other week. My doctor told me that there are other nausea meds. I will just have to talk with him and see. I've already done 2 of the 3 rounds of chemo...but I just don't know if I can physically and mentally handle 5 more treatments of chemo knowing each week I'm gonna get sicker than the previous week. You know how awful I felt last thursday sitting there for 5 hours with my mom watching an iv drip shit into me that I KNEW was gonna make me feel like complete shit later. It's like some kind of twisted torture.

Anyways...I'm not going to chemo tomorrow. I'm so freaked out. I need to have Patrick talk with my doctor and decide what we're gonna do from here.

I still thank you all for your love and support, it has carried me through these past few months <3